Before we start, I just want to share with you how difficult it is for me to put into writing what I am about to teach you.  I am not going to go into any great detail about my fear of writing here, I just want you to have some sort of an understanding of what it’s like for me to make my thoughts public. 

It was not safe

to be me

All my life I’ve been taught to keep quiet, to keep my thoughts secret, and to not attract any attention to myself.  I learned that I should NEVER let anyone know who I really was, and that I should NEVER let “THEM” know what I was thinking. I was taught that the only way to be safe, was to be who “THEY” wanted me to be.

I knew in the deepest pit of my guts, that if they ever found out who I really was, then I would be killed. I knew this because they had shot and killed my father before I was even born, and… if they found out who I was, then they would kill me too. This was my truth! I knew it in my guts. And I had learned it all before I was 4 years old…

I knew I was going to hell before I was 7!

By the time I was 7, I had also learnt that I was a bad person. In fact, I was EVIL. I was told that if I was left alone to grow up by myself, I would turn into some sort of monster. I didn’t know what kind of monster, but I knew it would be a very bad monster.  The kind of monster that God would never let into heaven. I would end up burning in hell – forever.

Luckily God loved me very much. That is why he had sent his helpers to punish me and watch me – so that I would not turn out to be a monster. I was told that I should be grateful for all the personal attention I was getting. But I wasn’t grateful… I was frightened.

I stopped trying to talk about how scared I was because no one listened. The grown-ups smiled at me and told me that “it was just my imagination”. God’s helpers beat me because I was ungrateful.

No one understood what it was like to be me

I spent the next 43 years of my life hiding the fact that I was scared to be me. I never talked about it. I never talked about that black emptiness that lives deep inside my body. Do you know the feeling I am talking about? Mine is just below my ribcage in the soft bit of my belly. In recent years I have found out that there are three main places in the body that people carry their fear. Some people carry their fear in their belly like me. Some people carry theirs in their throat. And still others carry their fear low down in their back near their kidneys. I don’t think it matters much where a person carries their fear, the result is still the same. We are all scared to be who we are – and none of us talk about it in public.

This is the first time I have ever spoken in public about how frightened I am. I am frightened that this black emptiness will open up and suck me down into the pain. I am frightened that no one will ever understand what it is like to be me. I am frightened that if I talk about it, then everyone will laugh at me and call me names. No one knows how many times I had  to crawl out of that black vacuum of fear whilst writing this introduction.

The doctors know too much to ever cure a mental disorder

In my work as a counsellor and therapist, I have helped many people cure themselves of depression, anxiety, trauma and other so-called mental disorders. I have tried to teach other counselling professionals how to do this, but they have not been able to cure mental disorders the way I can. They are worried that it is me who is crazy because I do not believe that mental disorders are caused by a “chemical imbalance in the brain.” Their proof is that they cannot cure “mental disorders,” they know that you must manage them using pills.

That is why I am writing this book. This book is for the ordinary people who have a so-called mental disorder so that they can learn that it is OK to cure themselves. I have given up trying to teach the medical and scientific professionals because they know too much. They know it is impossible to cure mental disorders, so they must do what they have been trained to do – prescribe pills.

You can’t help me,

if you can’t feel

what I feel!

If you are going to help someone to cure a mental disorder, then you will have to meet them in their fear. That is what I do when I am working with a client. I open my heart so that I can feel their fear – and they can feel mine. Then I explain to them how their mind works and how this fear is created. Then (when they feel safe) we explore the fear together and allow the fear to show us what must be done to cure it. When I am in this space with the clients – miracles happen. 

When I do this with an individual client, we are alone together – and we keep our secrets. We are on sacred turf.

I’ll go first then,

shall I?

I have never tried to do this in public, in a book or in a blog. But I think the same principles apply. That is why I have shared with you my fear of writing. So that you will see me open up my place of fear for you. See that I trust you. In this way I am hoping that you will learn to trust me and together we will find a way to cure whatever mental disorder you have been diagnosed with.

It is strange when you write, the reader never knows how hard it is for the writer to write. They only see the finished product. For instance there is no way that you would ever know that it has taken me twelve days to write this. A little more than a thousand words – twelve days. That’s less than a 100 words per day! I am hoping that now that I am no longer worried that you will find out how scared I am, that the writing will become easier for me.

Please engage the process of writing this book with me. Post your comments and especially your questions below. I want you to be able to use this book as a guide to cure any mental disorder. I want you to know how to do what I can do.

It just occurred to me that the book doesn’t even have a name yet!

I will see you in the next chapter.

Namaste

Mike

If you read my post, "No More Complaining From Me", you would know that I am now focussing purely on teaching what you need to know in order to help someone you care about who may have a so-called “mental illness” – and by mental illness, I mean: depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress, obsessive-compulsive disorders, hearing voices, and eating disorders etc. What you don’t know, is how frightened I am to do this in public.

If you came to me as a private client, asking for help with depression, then I am confident that within a few hours I would be able to teach you enough about your Self that you would be able to cure your depression. Once you learn how, it is not that complicated. For instance, Penny had cured the depression within a few hours, but it took a little longer to deal with the side effects of the medication. (see My “Depression” is Gone – A Guest Post by Penny

If I was working with you 1 to 1, the first thing we would need to do is to create a safe  place for us to talk.  And by a “safe” place, I mean a place where we would feel safe to share and experience our deepest, innermost thoughts and feelings.  It is a rare and beautiful thing to be with someone at this level. This is no ordinary place – I call this place “sacred turf”.

A huge part of my job at the beginning, is to help us establish the sacred turf. Usually I would start by opening my heart and inviting you to join me there. You would take one tiny step towards me; and if you felt safe enough, then you would take another. In this way, gradually, as you felt safer, we would go deeper into that sacred place within ourselves.

“Your existence is all the proof I need of your perfection”

What made the discovery of this sacred turf possible for me is that I come from what I call “The Namaste Paradigm”. What this means, is that I hold your perfection, your strength, and your sacredness to be a self-evident truth – the fact that you exist is all the proof I need. My sacred task as your mentor, is to help you reconnect to this truth within you.

The word “namaste” came into my life over 20 years ago. That’s when I found out that “namaste” is an ancient Sanskrit word dating back over 4000 years: it means “The God within me, honours the God within you”. I instantly fell in love with the word and registered my private practice as “Namaste Consulting”.

I was researching the word “namaste” on the internet and  found this poem. It offers a beautiful explanation of what I mean by “sacred turf”. It says what I am trying to say more beautifully than ever I could. If you would like to see where I found it, just go here.

What you should know before you accept my invitation.

In the first paragraph (above) I mentioned in that I was frightened to go public with my teachings. I have tried for the last 10 months to get the corporate mental health organisations to listen, and include my teachings in helping their clients, but not one of them has accepted my invitation.

I have been told that what I (and my clients) claim to be able to do, is “simply impossible” and that even if it was possible, I have no “scientific” evidence. It is true that I have no “scientific” evidence. It is also true that what I am teaching challenges the very core of established psychological theory on mental illness.  But, it is also true that my clients have cured themselves of depression, anxiety disorders, anger, alcoholism, post-traumatic stress, hearing voices – in fact all manner of supposedly incurable “mental illnesses”.

I have tried unsuccessfully to gain the attention of the mental health industry by pointing out flaws in their research, logic, and scientific method. I have also pointed out the horrific side-effects of the medications prescribed to “manage” people diagnosed with a “mental illness”. This has been a waste of time and has not actually helped anyone.

My new strategy is very simple. I will teach my theories, knowledge, and techniques to all those who need help and do not want to take medication. I will focus all my energies on helping cure mental illnesses.

My dream is that if enough people learn how to cure so-called mental illness we will simply help and support one another, and mental illnesses will be eliminated. I see it as a sort of “immunisation” for the mind.

You are all Invited

I want to write a book that will help people learn how their mind works and cure their mental “illnesses”. I want to  present the chapters on this blog for you so that you can help me.

I want to invite you on this journey with me and to test my theories and prove them for yourself. I want you to do the exercises in the “book” and give me feedback on what works (and doesn’t work) for you. I also want you to ask questions if you don’t understand what I am writing about.

Most importantly, I want you to apply what you will be learning in the real world to help someone in your life. It is only by using the knowledge to help someone that we really learn. If you try something out from the book, and you can’t “get it to work”, then I haven’t explained it well enough – so I want you to tell me – and ask questions.

Please come on this journey with me, and together, we will create something greater than they can imagine.

See you on the path,

Namaste

Mike.

In my post Charmaine’s Dark Secret; I made a statement that I am concerned could be interpreted as a personal comment directed at Professor Parker.

What I wrote was: “By now you can probably guess what I think about Professor Parker and the “chemical imbalance” theory, but please do the test and make up your own mind.”

It was never my intention to make any comment directed at Professor Parker personally. 

What I should have written is

“By now you can probably guess what I think about  the “chemical imbalance” theory, but please do the test and make up your own mind.”

I apologise to anyone that may have taken my original statement as personally directed at Professor Parker.

Namaste
Mike

KING-HIT
by a random fact!

Have you ever had one of those moments? You know what I mean? One minute you are trying to make sense of something – you are confused and there doesn’t seem to be any way to understand what’s going on. You know you have to do something, so you just lash out at what you know is wrong with the establishment. And then, out-of-the-blue, when you were least expecting it – BAM! Right in the guts! King-hit by a random fact! Let me try to explain.

For the last month or so I have been very angry and frustrated with the medical profession (especially psychiatry) and with the media. My two posts (What Is Depression?, and Charmaine’s Dark Secret) would have given people that know me, a hint about how I was feeling.

The first kind of
Knowing

My mate (Bill) tried to alert me to the fact that I was ranting – and I thought that I had “got the message.” And I did get the message in a left-brained, I-can-say-the-words, intellectual sort of way. This is the first kind of knowing. It is the intellectual, left-brained kind of knowing we are taught in school. It is the way scientists know something.

An example of this kind of knowing is when you are talking to someone who is anxious and you point out that they are sitting in the room with you and there is nothing to be anxious about. The person looks around the room and “agrees” with you that there is nothing to be anxious about. They can say the words, (“You are right, there is nothing to be anxious about”) – but they don’t feel them.

OK, back to me now.

The Second kind of
Knowing

The second kind of knowing is a right-brained, inside-my-body sort of knowing.  I should have realized this because I still felt angry on the inside. I was still complaining about the harm that the medical profession was doing to people with their insistence on prescribing drugs. I did some research – and you know what? – there were thousands of websites where people were complaining about the treatment for people with depression. I still didn’t get it though – I wasn’t even close!

I was like that anxious person (above). My mouth could say the words – “Yes, you’re right. I know that I am safe.” – but there was a painful churning inside my body that was telling me that there was definitely something wrong!

This is the second kind of knowing. It is a bodily felt sense. It doesn’t have words – you just feel it in your guts.

I knew something was wrong, but I just couldn’t figure out what it was. Then two absolutely unrelated things happened one-after-the-other.

Unrelated
Event No.1

The first was that I started to work with a new client. This was our first session together. She told me that she had some issues she had been trying to resolve for many years without much success and that someone had suggested she talk to me. She had tried with many people in the past and was not expecting me to be able to help her, but she was willing to “give it a try”.

The session turned out to be amazing. She learned more about herself in two hours than she had in the past ten years. Her eyes were bright and excited about what she had discovered – and what she was still to learn. A whole new world of possibilities was becoming available to her.

I was excited too. This is the bit I love doing – the working-with-people bit. This is the part of my work that makes my heart melt – It is what Bill calls “The Place of the Gentle Heart.” This is the bit I am good at. This is when I operate at my very best. I left her re-energized and filled with the passion for my work. I felt great.

Unrelated
Event No.2

I was home within 15 minutes and when I turned on my computer I had an email from Jeff Walker. Jeff is one of the online marketing experts that I have been learning from. Anyway, Jeff’s email had a link to his blog where he’d posted an article titled “The Most Important Thing” In this article he talks about opportunity cost in relation to building an internet business.

There I am, reading Jeff’s article about “opportunity cost” in relation to business and marketing, when the word “COST” leaps into my body. I suddenly “connect” with all those people out there who are looking for help with depression, anxiety, trauma, voices and every other so-called “mental illness” and I see the COST they have to pay because the only help available to them is in the form of medication! It dawned on me that people were suffering because I was too frightened and insecure to teach what I know to the world. It is then that I hear the quiet voice inside my head saying to me,

“Michael, everyone can complain about what’s wrong with the system and how the effects of medication can be terrible. Why, you are a very skilled complainer yourself. But Michael, the question you must ask your Self is: How does your complaining help anyone?

Remember, I am still in that place of the gentle heart within myself, so I am “seeing” things in a very different way. I see a huge crowd of people in my mind – the crowd stretches to the horizon – there are thousands of them. They are all complaining – and for the first time, I feel their combined fear.

Is this spooky
OR WHAT!

I see myself standing in the middle of the crowd on a soap-box. I am complaining the loudest of all. The tears are welling up in my eyes as I feel my heart melt.

As I watch, I see myself get down off the soap-box and quietly make my way to the edge of the crowd. As I walk gently through the crowd, people cry out: “Where are you going? You can’t leave us. We must make them change.”

As I get to the edge of the crowd I see myself turn and face everyone. The silence engulfs us like a fog. I hear myself say quietly, in a voice that strangely carries to the far reaches of the crowd, “It is not them who have to change. It is we. We have the power to change within our Self. I know now that my complaining serves no purpose other than to steal my time and distract me from doing something helpful. Every moment I spend complaining is one less moment I have available to help someone. The cost of complaining is too high. It is a price I am no longer willing to pay.”

As I turn to leave the group for the last time, I hear my voice say, “Michael, you have paid far too many moments already.”

And a very deep, gentle voice replied softly, but firmly; “No, no, no little one, you have paid exactly what you needed to in order to learn the lesson – and not one moment more.“

Words are such a primitive and limited way of communicating. I have done my best to explain to you how profound this lesson was (and is) for me; and also to give you a hint of that second kind of knowing.

Until next time,
Namaste
Mike

I was so upset by the story of Charmaine Dragun that I actually wrote to 60 Minutes. I have posted the letter I sent by email to 60 Minutes (Australia) below so that you can read it and comment if you want to.

I think the recommendations from the Coroner are pathetic and useless. They serve only to perpetuate the myth of the chemical imbalance in the brain and it is time that this myth is challenged. As you read this letter, you will find out that the drug manufacturers are literally getting away with murder and somehow they need to be held accountable. I don’t know exactly how this will be done, but I know that I will need your help.

I have simply cut-and-pasted the word document I sent to 60 Minutes below. I have not done any formatting or editing to it for the blog so it sort of looks long and boring. I am sorry about that, but I don’t think I should tamper with it just for the blog.

Namaste
Mike

Charmaine’s Dark Secret

I cry each time I watch Charmaine’s story. I want Estelle, Michael and Simon to know that I feel their pain. I also want them to know that I don’t want Charmaine’s death to be in vain either.

What hurts me the most is that if Charmaine had come to me -instead of a doctor – then I could have helped her. She would not have been tortured with antidepressants. She would now be alive, happy and well.

Doctors do not understand depression and anxiety. They believe the pharmaceutical company marketing that depression and anxiety is a chemical imbalance in the patient’s brain and must be treated with medication and can only be managed – not cured.

And even when the treatment does not work, the doctors simply tell the patient that their condition is more “complicated” than was first thought and try a higher dose of the same medication; and when that doesn’t work, it’s time to try a different medication. And when that doesn’t work, then it must be a different diagnosis. This is where someone like Professor Gordon Parker comes in. He is the “expert” with the “new” diagnosis explaining that the drugs were right – the diagnosis was wrong. We must not lose faith in the drugs!

The classic damage control tactic on the part of the drug companies (in this case Wyeth Australia Pty Ltd (Wyeth) is the manufacturer of Efexor. Lundbeck Australia Pty Ltd (Lundbeck) is the manufacturer of Lexapro.) when someone kills themselves when using one of their drugs is to get an “expert” to explain to the court that:
• The condition is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.
• The condition is extremely dangerous and the best we can hope for is to manage it.
• The condition is incurable.
• The condition is extremely complex and difficult to diagnose accurately.
• The patient was misdiagnosed and was actually on the wrong medication.
• It is not our fault. If only she hadn’t killed herself, we could have put her on the right drug!

In reading the Coroner’s Report I discovered that the drug companies have a get-out-of-jail-free card when it comes to their drugs killing people!

It was accepted by witnesses for both Wyeth and Lundbeck that there were concerns about there being a causal link between using antidepressants and committing suicide. However it was impossible to scientifically establish this link because you cannot conduct a trial and actually test for people committing suicide when on their medication.

“The lack of an established causal link between drug effects and worsening depression and suicidality has to do with the impossibility of conducting ethical clinical trials. The fact is that concerns about a causal link exist.” [paragraph 252]

Charmaine killed herself because of the combined effect of coming off a 150mg daily dose of Efexor down to 75mg dose of Efexor and simultaneously being put on the antidepressant Lexapro. The dangers relating to changing doses of medications and also changing medications are documented in the full prescribing information for Lexapro.

Charmaine killed herself within a week of being prescribed Lexapro – how much more of a causal link do we need?

Here are a few Scientific “Facts” for you

• The chemical-imbalance-in-the-brain theory was proposed by the pharmaceutical industry in America to market antipsychotic medication (check out my blog for more details).
• There is absolutely no conclusive evidence that mental illness is caused by a chemical imbalance of the brain.
• There is no scientific or medical test that can be applied to a person to determine whether or not they have a mental illness.
• The diagnosis of depression is simply an opinion of a doctor based the self-report of symptoms by the patient.

If 60 Minutes would like to investigate the possibility of a cure for depression, then please contact me via email. I would be willing to discuss this in detail with you. I will also give you Penny’s phone number so you can talk to her.

Penny was prescribed Lexapro for her “depression” two years ago by her doctor and told that she would probably have to be on medication for the rest of her life! She came to me for help 5 months ago and she is now off the medication and fully “cured”.

Please pass on my contact details to Estelle and Michael and also Simon. I would especially like to talk to Simon because of his forensic training as he would be able to understand what I do to help people cure depression.

A Simple Test

Why don’t 60 Minutes get all their staff and friends to go to the Black Dog Institute website and do their online test for bipolar II disorder? I predict that almost everyone will be at risk of having this mental illness. Professor Parker would no doubt say that this is an indication of the epidemic nature of bipolar II disorder, but maybe it is just a way of frightening normal healthy people into going to a doctor and being put on medication.
I did the test and I was told that I am at extreme risk of having bipolar II disorder. And that I should go to my doctor urgently to get help.

By now you can probably guess what I think about Professor Parker and the “chemical imbalance” theory, but please do the test and make up your own mind.

I will be continuing my discussion of the Coroner’s Report into Charmaine’s death on my blog at The Namaste Paradigm dot com if anyone is interested.

Namaste

Michael Mareska
And yes, I do have initials after my name too, but they are all bullshit! The thing that really matters is that I can help cure depression.

Did anyone at 60 Minutes get to read the Coroner’s Report?

I have put some excerpts below for your information. The numbers in “[ ]” are the paragraph numbers in the Coroner’s Report. I have also highlighted some words in red for your convienience.

[246] Charmaine had been taking Efexor since 2004 for what her doctors in Perth diagnosed as depression. When she came to Sydney in 2005 she was still taking this drug. When she came under the care of the Sydney general practitioners Dr Cugadasan and Dr Clowes the dose of Efexor was increased from 75 mg/day to 112.5 mg/day and then to 150 mg/day. When she eventually came under the care of the psychiatrist Dr Tang the Efexor was reduced to 75mg/day and a new drug, Lexapro, was introduced. Charmaine died about two weeks after she started reducing the Efexor and one week after starting Lexapro.

[251] For present purposes it is sufficient to note the following from the product literature and prescribing information.

1. Suicidality was strongly linked to depression and was present whether or not a person was taking antidepressants.

The risk of worsening depression and suicidality was, however, increased when antidepressants were being introduced for the first time, when the drug was being withdrawn, and at any time that there were dosage changes, either increases or decreases.

2. The side effects from the introduction, discontinuation or change in dose of
antidepressants included (relevantly)
• Headache
• Nausea
• Agitation
• Anxiety
• Confusion
• Nervousness
• Panic attacks
• Impaired driving
• Psychomotor restlessness
• Other unusual changes in behaviour
• Hypomania
• Serotonin syndrome

[252] Although a causal link between the emergence of any or all of the above symptoms and either worsening of depression and/or emergence of suicidal impulses has not been established there is a concern that such symptoms may be precursors of emerging suicidality. The lack of an established causal link between drug effects and worsening depression and suicidality has to do with the impossibility of conducting ethical clinical trials. The fact is that concerns about a causal link exist.

[258] The product literature for Lexapro included “switching guidelines” to be considered when changing from another drug to Lexapro. The information deals specifically with Efexor and says that when switching from Efexor to Lexapro there should be 1-2 drug free days before commencing Lexapro. In other words, the giving of both Efexor (albeit at a decreasing dose) and Lexapro at the same time (as occurred in this case) was contrary to the “switching guidelines” provided by the manufacturer of Lexapro.

Some of my main concerns are:
• There are widespread concerns within the medical profession and the pharmaceutical industry that antidepressants may cause suicide, but this will never be “scientifically” proven because of “ethical” issues. This is simply a legal loophole and a get-out-of-jail-free card for the pharmaceutical companies. [252]
• The pharmaceutical companies maintain the attitude that the doctor’s are the ones responsible for informing patients of the possible dangerous side-effects of their medication. Patients should do their own research on the internet.
• The pharmaceutical companies only provide outrageous claims of the efficacy of their drugs. Any information that would be detrimental to their market penetration is hidden within the bowls of their website.
• Doctors claim that they do not have time to do a thorough review of the research on each and every antidepressant and thus rely on information supplied by the drug company sales representative. Could this be a conflict of interest?
• If Charmaine’s condition was actually caused by a chemical imbalance in her brain, why didn’t the drugs cure her? She was initially on Zoloft, then she went onto Efexor. Within a week of going onto Lexapro she killed herself. Am I the only one who is worried that we are being lied to?

You might like to check out this link.
Treatment of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder: An Assessment of the Evidence (2008) Board on Population Health and Public Health Practice (BPH)

It is very interesting reading. You will find out:

• that the drug companies write up their own “research” and get academics to sign-off and publish under their names to give the “research” credibility.
• Data in the research is manipulated to give a false indication of the efficacy of their drugs.
• There is a huge problem with a conflict of interest with academic institutions getting grants to conduct research for the drug companies and having to provide positive results for the drug companies.
• Any negative findings are suppressed and only positive research is published.
• There is no real evidence that medications actually help in the treatment of post traumatic stress disorder contrary to the claims of the drug companies.

Thank you for taking the trouble to read this email. I am very passionate about helping people cure their “mental illness” without getting trapped into having to take medication to manage them for the rest of their lives.

Namaste
Mike
6 November 2010

Hi, I just want to introduce this post. This is a guest post written by Penny (and not me as it says above in the by-line). Penny is a master of under-statement, so I just want to set the scene a little bit for you.

When I first started to “play” with Penny (that’s what we called our talks) she was back in that “wombat hole” with her teeth and claws ready to defend herself. Her antidepressant which had served her so well for a few months was no longer “working”.

Her doctor had explained to her that depression was a serious illness and that she had a chemical imbalance in her brain that had to be managed with medication – to balance these chemicals that were causing her depression.

“YOU ARE SENTENCED FOR THE TERM OF YOUR NATURAL LIFE”

The doctor’s solution was to increase the dose of Penny’s medication; and if that didn’t work, to change to a different drug. Her doctor also told her that the medication was a long-term solution and that she would not be getting off it “any time soon”. In fact, one of Penny’s fears at the time was that she would have to stay on the medication to manage the chemical imbalance in her brain – for the rest of her life! When Penny and I first started working together, she was a very frightened woman.

Working with Penny has been an inspiration for me – her willingness to experience the fear and pain trapped inside her body was AWESOME. Often we were both exhausted and in tears after our sessions. That’s right, I said “both”. That’s because in order for me to be able to support Penny in her journey of discovery and healing, I had to meet her in that “fearful place inside” – I had to feel my fear and pain too. It was never easy, but it was always worth it.

OK, that’s enough from me. Let’s hear from Penny.

Penny’s Story

Some two years ago, in the midst of menopause, I felt that things were getting on top of me. The wombat hole in the middle of the paddock seemed very appealing; I could just disappear. I knew that this was not how I wanted to feel so visited my trusted G.P. who prescribed anti-depressants. These seemed to work for a while, life was pretty settled, all on one level, and although I didn’t want to be on them forever I didn’t know what I could do instead.

Five months ago I started a journey of discovery with Mike. I had not yet stopped taking the anti-depressants as I didn’t want to go back to feeling like I did. Over the ensuing months and sessions with Mike, we visited many places and times in my past that created different feelings within me. I faced these, with help from Mike, and learnt what they were there for. The hardest one was finding out the resentment I had felt towards my twin being born seven hours before me; abandoning me. Just before I flew to Queensland to visit my twin and share this with her I took myself off the anti-depressants. It was holiday time so I thought that if I didn’t feel so good no one would suffer.

However, it is now six weeks since I stopped taking them and I have never felt better. I am not, and was not, depressed, anxious or any of the other diagnoses that a doctor would throw at me. I had feelings that needed to be recognised and respected for what they were and dealt with.

I have suffered from migraines from about age 12, Mike and I worked with the feelings that caused these and as I don’t “need” them anymore, I don’t suffer with them. It is fantastic not having to deal with them, and the after effects of the strong medication. I feel like a new person.

My relationship with my colleagues and students has changed as I have changed. I guess they recognise that what they see now is a genuine, caring person.

It has been scary at times, many tears have been shed, and I am very good at “red herrings”. Mike can spot this a mile away and I have since learnt to go with the flow and just accept the feelings for what they are.